A Healthy Dose of Pessimism: Changing Majors

You know you’re a college student when people stop telling you to follow your dreams.

That's because these dreams are stupid, especially with space entering the competitive market. Stick with firefighting kids, because now only the rich can be astronauts.

That’s because these dreams are stupid, especially with space entering the competitive market. Stick with firefighting kids, because now only the rich can be astronauts.

You know you’re a very screwed college student when you don’t know what those stupid dreams even are. This is why I switched my major today from Music Industry to English. There are a lot of reasons for this, but, at risk of sounding optimistic, I should say the most prominent one is that an English degree gives me more options. And since I’m more receptive to the interpretive type of learning an English major offers, I’ll likely remember more of it.

For instance, when I'm sitting in my parent's basement after graduation drinking myself into a stupor, I'll know which great American author had the same taste in alcohol as me.

For instance, when I’m sitting in my parent’s basement after graduation drinking myself into a stupor, I’ll know which great American author had the same taste in alcohol as me.

Due to my school’s intense and not-at-all-terrifying emphasis on career building, I came to realize over the course of the last semester that in the music industry, I’ll just end up being someone’s bitch. The same can be said for wherever the hell English majors end up, but in the music industry, the best position you can possibly have is chief bitch, and I have no interest in being chief bitch. I’d really like to eliminate that word from my unofficial future/fictional (because we all know I’ll be unemployed) job description.

My only hope is that interesting, though useless, English courses will curb my apathy.

Say "wallow in the hopelessness of the human condition"! Click.

Say “wallow in the hopelessness of the human condition”! Click.

My parents fully expect me to drop out of school, move to the Australian outback, and eat lizards for the rest of my life. With the dull classes I’ve been taking, this doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. I voiced this completely sane and viable option to my former high school english teacher and he told me I’d be more fulfilled in the outback as an English major than any sort of Business major, and that’s really enough for me. If the lizards think I’m an intellectual, I’ll be happy.

"Wow! What other motifs did Shakespeare employ in Macbeth, lonely human?"

“Wow! What other motifs did Shakespeare employ in Macbeth, lonely human?”

I’m a bit disappointed to leave my music industry major behind. Production and sound engineering may have been a very good place for me. However, I’d never know it because I don’t have the money to invest in making money in that dying area of the industry. I’m doing an internship at a recording studio and I get to see first hand how fun the job can be, and also how little the job can pay. My boss advised me to “find what I’m good at, and build those skills”, which sounds like great advice, but on further examination makes you feel shitty about yourself.  Because those skills are useless.

Artist enjoying his fruitful career or emotional wreck doing art therapy? Both? Nope, this is a starving actor turning to modeling for stock photos to pay off his student loans.

Artist enjoying his fruitful career or emotional wreck doing art therapy? Both? Nope, this is a starving actor turning to modeling for stock photos to pay off his student loans.

So I’ve traded a questionably bleak future for an undeniably bleak one. Before I know it I’ll have had my quarter life crisis, moved to Europe, and gone insane from prolonged absinthe abuse. See ya in hell, suckers.

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