Phone call with Mom

A talk on the phone with Mom inevitably begins with asking for money. It’s not that I’m short on money, quite the opposite in fact for a college student, I just didn’t have enough money on my debit card in this instant to buy an online textbook. Plus, I need that money for weed. After the exchange of financial information, the conversation turns to more motherly things, because mine is the stereotypical Jewish mother, and we’re not even Jewish.

Are you sure you don't need me to send you money, dear? I heard college students buy lots of pots. That's for plants, right? I'm glad you understand the importance of gardening.

Are you sure you don’t need me to send you money, dear? I heard college students buy lots of pots. That’s for plants, right? I’m glad you understand the importance of gardening.

Mom: How are you feeling? Have you gotten sick? Are you remembering to take your vitamins? Your birth control?

Me: Um….I’ve been taking my birth control, I feel like that’s not really your business. And I haven’t been taking vitamins because you get those from food and I’d literally be peeing out my money. And hey, I haven’t been sick, even though practically everyone on my building and their sexual partner has.

Mom: Oh thank god, it must be because you’ve been taking your vitamins. How’s the cafeteria food? Are you eating well?

Me: The cafeteria food is surprisingly good actually. There’s lots of options and I’m not bored yet.

Mom: Are you saying it’s better than my food?

Me: I–no, of course not, Mom.

Mom: You’re saying it’s better than my cooking!

Me: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all! Jesus. Nothing beats your beef stew, Mom.

Mom: I should hope so. I’ll have you know that your father is doing fine, I think he misses you more than he lets on. You should talk to him more. And the animals are doing fine as well, but the dog has a lesion on his stomach, and it’s too bad you’re not here to help me drain it, seeing as he’s your dog.

Me: Yeah, I’m really sorry for not being there to…drain the lesion. That’s sucky.

Mom: Anyway, do you have any crushes?

Me: I mean, I’m not dating anyone. I’d like to, but no one specific, no.

Mom: Well, I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually. You’re perfectly attractive, I don’t know how you don’t have a boyfriend. Maybe you’ll have to put in a little more effort.

Me: Have you heard of Tinder?

Mom: No, what’s that?

Me: It’s this app on your phone where you…you know what, nevermind.

Mom: I think I’ll get rid of my cellphone and buy a tablet. I just don’t see why I need an iPhone, it’s so difficult to use. I’m sure it would be much cheaper in the long run to have a tablet.

Me: Just keep the phone, Mom. Trust me. You have a laptop and a smartphone, both of which you never use. You don’t need a tablet as well.

Mom: Well, I’d get rid of the iPhone. And the computer isn’t working at all. I just can’t use it without you. Your father thinks it’s backwards, too.

Me: Have you tried asking tech support what you’re doing wrong?

Mom: Yes, but that takes so much time and money. I think I’ll get a tablet.

Me: Mom, a tablet’s going to be way more expensive than a few lessons on how to use your computer.

Mom: You young people just think you know everything. How do I get on the Skypes? Suki told me that I can Skypes you and see your face.

Me: Or you can just Facetime me using your perfectly functional iPhone or laptop.

Mom: Facetime?

Me: Nevermind…Hey, I hate to ask this, but uh, how’s it going getting the money together for next semester’s tuition?

Mom: (silence)

Me: Mom?

Mom: You’re going to do very well, honey. I can just tell you’re special.

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