How to Eat at College

Option 1: Steal Food

This is by far the best option.

Maybe it’s the expensive tuition and board, maybe it’s my college scholar attitude, but this school is making me an entitled little prick. Yes, I’m talking about all the food I steal from the dining hall.

Oh, perhaps you thought I was talking about something else–the way I’ve abandoned my family and only send them monthly updates on my life via email newsletter, or the way I spit on homeless people now that my two weeks of a college education makes me better than them.

The Ivy League gang will corner you in an alley and beat you up with their superiority.

The Ivy League gang will corner you in an alley and beat you up with their superiority.

Nope, I feel superior because I’m poor and can only afford the ten meal per week plan. Where am I supposed to get the other ten meals? Does the school expect me to pull them out of my ass? So I steal shitloads of food from the cafeteria. My tupperware game is fucking on. No one knows plastic foodware like me. I’ve got my rectangular dish for pizza, my deep bowls for cereal, and my coffee cup for milk. I’ve taken 3 apples, 3 slices of pizza, zucchini, 2 bananas, cereal, and a cup of mllk in one run. Yesterday, my roommate stole silverware. We’re fucking unstoppable.

I want to turn this into a sport, and organize it like a scavenger hunt. Divide people up into teams and send them in to steal an entire pizza. Who can smuggle out the most cereal in coffee cups? How much fruit can you fit into one backpack?


Option 2: Sad college excuses for alternative food options

Use your meal plan to buy from the school store called Outtakes and go home to reheat the weirdly sticky pasta you bought and choke down your tuna sandwich. Or just buy eight rice crispy bars and hope they last through the week for breakfast.

You can also use dining dollars to buy a burrito at any of two shitty excuses for Mexican food places. But maybe Mexican doesn’t suit your fancy. In that case, you can get an incredibly average burger or sandwich from Rebecca’s, a cafe guaranteed to have a line as long as your list of childhood humiliations.

The options are endless. There’s even a food truck with pictures of edible things on it.


Option 3: Eat out.

Ha ha, that’s not a real option.







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