Being bisexual, some women’s fashion confuses me. Not in a tomboyish way, but more in a “I’m not sure if I want to have sex with this girl, or if I just envy her body”. For instance: piercings. I’ll admit it, I think piercings on a girl are hot. I’d like a nose piercing. Of course, there’s a limit. If you have more than 4 extraneous piercings, I begin to wonder if you have some elsewhere (specifically the nether regions).

What I don’t understand are “Prince Alberts”. If you don’t know what a Prince Albert is, you should definitely google image search it.

Anyone who has read my blog knows not to image search anything I suggest.

Anyone who has read my blog knows not to image search anything I suggest.

How does one remove a massive piercing like that for TSA? Just strip in the line, and remove the metal from the rod? Those who google image searched “Prince Albert” know what rod I’m talking about. And of course, the pain when getting the piercing would be unimaginable–especially for me, considering I don’t have the aforementioned rod.

I couldn’t even handle getting my ears pierced. It’s not like I was a child with an excuse for not being able to deal with the pain. I got my ears pierced two weeks ago. Originally, I didn’t want my ears pierced because baby-feminist-me thought it was an unnecessary and sexist ritual that we make women go through in this country, sort of like sexual  harassment and shaving our legs. It took an awkwardly long time for me to realize that men, too, get piercings. Throughout my teens, I would always psyche myself out whenever I attempted to go to a piercing parlor. I could probably handle acupuncture, at least the needle isn’t going through an entire body part, but the concept of piercings is just insane if you think about it too much. Which is what I invariably did.

I'm going to poke a hole in my ear so I can hang ornaments from it like a Christmas tree.

I’m going to poke holes in my body so I can hang ornaments from myself  like a Christmas tree.

Everyone tells you it won’t hurt. “It’s  just a little poke”, “you won’t feel a thing”, “it’s so fast that you won’t even notice”. This is all bullshit. It feels exactly like you would expect: like someone poked a hole through your flesh. The man doing mine decided he would try to do it slowly in order to “experiment to see if that lessens the pain”. It definitely did not.

Now I’m stuck with these pearl studs in my ears that I can’t take out for another month and a half. I have to clean my ears with antiseptic after exercise, showering, and any and all sweating. I sweat constantly in Boston. There’s more moisture in the air here than in a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’s surgically rejuvenated vagina. I’m not probably going to get an infection, I’m definitely going to get an infection.

So, yeah, this is the human experience. We’ve invented antibiotics and cured polio. Civilization has (mostly) eliminated crazy dangerous shit like witch hunts and pirates and killing your neighbor in cold blood.  So now we willingly expose ourselves to bacteria by poking big ass holes in our bodies.



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