Why I feel sorry for wee Prince George

I consider myself one of the lucky ones because I was born to an entirely mediocre family whose expectations were sufficiently low enough that they would have been bragging about me to relaties if I dropped out of high school and worked at Burger King. “Yes, our daughter is working at a corporate job right now. The company is anticipating exponential growth in the next few years, as well.”

But I really feel sorry for anyone born into a royal family (or just the uber-rich), because there is no room for fucking up. Poor Prince George will be tethered to Kate Middleton’s side with a shock collar–because God knows the royals can’t be seen using a child leash–until he’s old enough to go to boarding school. Or wherever it is that royal children go in order to not become crack whores and heroin addicts. He’ll have a host of psychological tics and idiosyncrasies, what with a family like his. We all know that they call his great grandmother the Queen for reason, fifty bucks says no one can guilt trip a grandkid like that woman.

“Georgie dear, your grammy’s on the phone. She’d like to speak with you.”

“Okay–hi, Grammy!”

“Your highness, remember Georgie?”

Oh Jesus fuck–sigh, hello your Highness. Mom, I thought it was Grammy Middleton! I like her so much better!”

Just talk to your goddamn grandmother, Georgie.”

But Mum, Grammy Windsor is old and smells like corgis. Fine– Yes Grammy, I’m doing great. Granddad’s teaching me to play polo. Why yes, my birthday is coming up soon.”

“Well, Georgie, dear. Since you are my only, and my favorite great grandchild, I thought I’d send you one of those X-boxer things in the mail. But I found out it got lost. You can never trust those bastards at Royal Mail. It’s just such a pity that you never visit me. Perhaps if your plain peon of a mother would bring you up to the castle one of these days I could give it to you in person. Whoops, I mean, give a replacement to you in person.”

Did you hear that Mum? The damn bitch won’t even splurge on a Nintendo!”

 

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