The Pride Parade inspires some important questions about cock rings

So I went to the San Francisco Pride Parade on Sunday, because if there’s one thing worse than living in the Bay Area your whole life and not walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, it’s living in the Bay Area your whole life and not seeing the Pride Parade.

The first thing I saw upon disembarking from the ferry was a gentleman wearing nothing but a rainbow penis-sock, and his partner wearing nothing but a cock-ring. Which got me to thinking: where does one purchase a cock ring? Is a gold cock-ring better than a silver cock ring? Do rich people buy platinum cock rings? Is the rarity of the metal a metaphor for how much you respect your member?  Is there a location where men get a cock ring fitting? Moreover, can I work there?

I was surprised at how corporate the whole thing seemed. I was expecting it to be mainly not-for-profits and their members (no, not that kind of member). There certainly were nonprofit clubs and organizations but they made up a very small portion of the event. I swear about a third of the parade was made of Apple employees carrying balloons. Someone came around handing out paper rainbow crowns. I thought that was sweet…until I saw the Burger King logo. There was a beautiful float with fruit along the sides and gorgeous decorated pillars. It was funded by Kaiser Permanente.

There was also a float promoting Orange is the New Black. Which is a great show that I love, but it was shameless promotion nonetheless. The show has broken barriers in its portrayal of queer women, but at this point I don’t think they need to advertise it. Lea Delaria was on it (famous for her “I’m a BIG dyke!” routine). I shook hands with her and I haven’t washed mine since.

Other than that, the entire thing felt like a giant excuse for straight people to crowd the streets in order to ogle drag queens. I’m fairly certain that if I wore a faux-pantsuit (which I actually do on fairly regular occasions), no one would whistle at me in quite the same way that a drunken, senseless teenage boy whose girlfriend dragged him to the  Pride Parade would at a man in drag.

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