5 reasons why I will never be a celebrity

1) Lack of talent. It’s not that I don’t have skills, it’s that they’re not marketable. Sure, I sing and play piano, but so does everyone else, and what makes my singing and playing piano any more memorable? Absolutely nuthin’. Not to mention my songs sound like Elton John’s B-sides meet drunken homeless bluesman.

This is what my music sounds like.

This is what my music sounds like.

2) Lack of hot bod. I do not have a hot bod, which I have outlined in Four Problems with Exercise (my boobs aren’t big enough either). And lord knows a good celebrity needs to have the proportions of a Barbie doll to disguise the vapid personality within. Of course, we all know that aesthetics shouldn’t define who’s popular, especially due to the “size zero heroes” women wrongly think they’re supposed to look like, but this is how our media works currently. If the viewer has low enough self-esteem, they’ll watch anything.

That's why these lumps of makeup and fake tits can afford Prada.

That’s why these sacks of makeup and fake tits can afford Prada.

3) My nose is weird. So fucking weird. Somehow it manages to be long and beaky in profile, and yet round and shapeless when viewed from the front. The thing defies physics.

4) I enjoy my privacy. Everytime my mother picks up my phone, a part of me wants to rip her to shreds. And there’s nothing incriminating on my phone. I just need to protect against the possibility that there might be. I’m so private that I know steel curtains are a thing, and I want them for Christmas. You can imagine how much I dread living in a dorm. Basically, if I were a celebrity I would forever go down in history as “that chick who gunned down the paparazzi”.

Slightly annoying men with cameras? Oh no, I call them sitting ducks.

Slightly annoying men with cameras? Oh no, I call them sitting ducks.

5) I am not charming. Believe it or not, even though I have a personal blog, I am not good at shameless self-promotion. It makes me feel low and needy. Nor can I accomplish shameless self-promotion without coming off as a narcissistic prick. Doing that requires charm, a trait for which my teeth are not shiny enough, and my voice is not innocent enough.

Daily Prompt, yo.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “5 reasons why I will never be a celebrity

  1. Pingback: The one where I write about personal medical conditions | Thinking Diagonally

  2. Pingback: The one where I write about personal medical conditions | Thinking Diagonally

Got thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s