Ya gurl gunna partay at prom! Limos and dresses and underage drinking like there’s no tomorrow, amiright?
Except I’m not. Frequently asked questions:
Do you have a date?
No, because I don’t need no man. Feminism, girl power, personal self worth and shit. Actually, though, it is my dear belief that the only reason girls take dates to prom is because our dresses don’t have pockets, whereas suits do. Like seriously, I checked my jacket–the only thing I was wearing with pockets–at the coat check last year, and they gave me a little slip with my number on it. I was like, “wait, what am I supposed to do with this, though? I have nowhere to put it.” But had I had a date, I would’ve just given it to him. Boys aren’t the commodity here, pockets are. That’s right, men, if you had a date at prom, she did not actually like you. She did, however, want to fuck your pockets.
Well, you’re a loser. Who are you going to prom with, then?
My loser friends, duh. It’s rather telling when your friends’ Facebook group was briefly named “The Frustrated Virgins Club” (it’s also rather telling when you are the one who named it that…).
What do you have planned for the after-party?
I will be asleep. Next question.
How are you getting to prom?
I’m driving a car full of virgins. Three, to be precise. I actually agonized over this, because I thought I’d have to take a limo with the larger group of people I call my friends. And there is nothing more embarrassing than stumbling out of one of only two limos with a crowd of losers. And then tripping on your own dress in front everyone. Which was knee-length, and, a year later, you still don’t understand how you did that. But this is just a hypothetical scenario. Definitely hypothetical. I swear to god.
So…is your dress pretty?
You bet your backside it is. It’s motherfucking lace. I had to make sure it had a high neckline because I don’t want to clamp my boobs together to make cleavage happen. You just know 80% of the girls wearing dresses with low necklines used duct-tape and vices on their bras. Speaking of which, I will be using my bra as a pocket, because I don’t need no man.