This is the second of what will likely be a series of posts regarding my recent trip to New York. In the following, I will question (bash) the efficacy of long-distance relationships, make fun of an individual’s personality and aesthetics, and be a general asshole. If any of the above topics will offend you, I advise you quit reading.
There was only one cloud in my sunshiney experience that was New York. His name was Ralph, or something. He belonged to one of my roommates, and wore mom jeans, wire-framed glasses, and plaid. I say he belonged, but really they were dating. Why did Ralph come on a school trip to New York with my roommate Sharon? Because he lived in New York, and they were in a long-distance relationship. They met online while playing World of Warcraft, which is always a great sign.
It was Sharon’s first time meeting Ralph, and I and the rest of my roommates were scared it would be her first time doing something else. We were afraid to go back to our hotel room. But after having breakfast with Sharon and Ralph, we realized our fears had no basis. There was no way Sharon would bed that bag of moldy dentalware.
Now, had he possessed a personality, any personality whatsoever, I would not be making this comment (heck, I’ve probably dated uglier people, but they were interesting). He was as ugly as a crack-smoking muppet. C’mon, we all know Animal’s on something. I asked him a series of get-to-know-you questions which gradually became more careless and more offensive with each “I dunno” that I got as a response. “Where do you live?” “What’s your school like?” “What’s you favorite color?” “What’s your favorite dining utensil?” “Do you have any airborne illnesses?” “Is this your first girlfriend, loser?” “Well, if you were to kill me right now, how would you go about it?” “Do you have any psychological tics?” (yes, I did feel bad when he said “yes”.)
The remarkable thing about Sharon and Ralph’s budding relationship was their profound lack of conversation. I wondered if they used telepathy. If I were meeting my boyfriend for the first time, I would want to talk to him about everything, but Sharon did not possess that urge. It wasn’t surprising. He wasn’t exactly a fountain of information and bright ideas. In fact, he was so average that he could easily blend into a wall. After the first hour, we all forgot he was there.
“Sharon, you could have just found an average boyfriend in the Bay Area,” I said.
Okay, when I say we all forgot he was there, I really mean that I forgot he was there. I had assumed he was a recycling bin because he was standing next to a trash can. For a moment, I couldn’t figure out why everyone had fallen into a stunned silence. Then I saw Ralph. He chewed on a granola bar, the only person not stunned to silence.
I was informed that my remark was very rude (it was), and that I shouldn’t make jokes like that (I wasn’t joking). I apologized for my “joke” and explained that sometimes I went overboard, doing anything for the laugh, and it was a bad character trait I was trying to get rid of. Ralph nodded and looked vacant.
Sharon informed me at the end of the weekend that Ralph wanted to thank me for making him feel so welcome. I was shocked first because the implied sarcasm in the comment meant that he had a personality! Then Sharon clarified that he was not being sarcastic. I still can’t explain why he felt welcome. People that like my antics tend to hate themselves, though.