I just turned eighteen.People seem to have high hopes and expectations for me. Some of them even like me. I’ll never understand why, especially after having been inside my head (I’ve tried to stay out of it since then). I’ve decided to correct them, and list the reasons people should not expect me to amount to anything.
1) I’m distractable. This was the first point on the list, and the last one I actually wrote anything about. Case in point.
2) I think the grass is greener. I’m like a common house fly. I land on one tasty pile of shit just to fly to another because it might be better. Eventually, I will land on sticky tape, and there will be no coming back.
3) I’m lazy. I didn’t remove the plastic covering from my cell phone’s screen until I threw it away six years later. And once, I used laundry detergent on our silverware because I didn’t want to drive to the store to buy dish soap. That was a fun bout of food poisoning.
4) I’m impatient. I show up to doctor’s appointments late because I don’t want to wait (bitch, if I’m paying you, you can wait for me). I’ve nearly given myself a full head of cornrows while fidgeting with boredom. I strain my finger tendons from tapping them too much. I’m so impatient that I microwave my tea.
5) I’m a glutton. There is no such thing as a personal pizza because all pizzas are personal. Likewise, I finished off a family size bag of potato chips, a sandwich, and a half-pint of ice cream in the time it took to fill out the CSS profile for college.
6) I’m a slob. My mother is always on my back about leaving doors open. I have never fully cleaned my room (I’m also too distractable to finish). When I loose my shoes, they could be anywhere…like the Choir room…funny story by the way.
7) I’m imprecise. I never take the time to explain myself or my actions. For instance:
My mom: Wait, where are you going?
My mom: But where are you going once you’re in the car?
Me: (exits front door, leaves it open)
The seldom instances when I do tell people about my plans, schedules, or deepest goals and aspirations, it’s a paucity of information. When I was eight, I had a tea-party for my birthday. After brunch, I forced the other girls to go to the beach in period dresses.
8) I’m a pompous jerk. I use words like “paucity”. Who the fuck says that shit? And I do it just to confuse people, too. I was on Omegle today with some friends and started ridiculing a guy’s spelling and grammar. Then I found out he was from Syria.
9) Sometimes I’m not actually sarcastic. I have a friend who I will berate with horribly blunt abuses and observations. “Haha, you’re so funny,” she says. “Yup, I’m so sarcastic,” I say sarcastically.
10) I dislike babies, mayonnaise, and donuts. Actually, though, I do. Babies are fat little balls of barely sentient flesh. Mayonnaise is horrible and oily and tastes like sweetened animal waste. Donuts are a horrible mixture of grease, undercooked dough, and pure, untainted cholesterol. So there we have the three most essential aspects of being a human, and I don’t like them. Nobody wants to work with a heretic like me.