How I Met My Rock (Quite Literally)

I was walking through the forest one day when my foot was rudely blocked by a large something-or-another. The large something or another turned out to be a rock. I went sprawling onto the ground and, by the force of my foot, it went skipping out in front of me. Dazed, I stood up, brushed myself off, and looked at the object I had collided with. I apologized profusely, and it said nothing.

It was a tough cookie to crack.

It was a tough cookie to crack.

Realizing the rock was probably not responding because it was still angry about our collision, I offered to take it out to lunch. I put it in my backpack and we went to a nice cafe on the Embarcadero.

Though the rock didn’t say much, it was a very good listener. It didn’t take long for me to realize we would be lifelong friends. Unlike the humans I know, it didn’t want for anything from me. It simply listened and existed compliantly. I didn’t have to buy it food, as it didn’t want to burden me.

We decided to get together the next weekend–not that the rock had much choice (seeing as I had stuffed it in my backpack.) We strolled around the city. I held it in my right hand and pointed out the sights with the other. Around noon, we turned into a alley, and were confronted by a group of thugs. They targeted me because I was talking to a rock, and apparently that was “crazy”. In self defense, I drew my hand back and the rock sailed towards them with remarkable force. They scattered, and we were safe. That was the day we became best friends.

In 1998, we started our nonprofit AHABR (Abandon Humanity and Befriend Rocks). We traveled the country together and talked to young people about the benefits of having inanimate friends. Our most popular lectures “Avoiding Conflict: Why People Suck” and “The Benefits of Befriending Inanimate Objects” have thousands of views on youtube. We sparked a conversation about human/object friendships, and created acceptance for human/household-appliance best friends, human/sportswear best friends, and many others.

Years later, we still get together to watch Sunday football and go to bars downtown. The rock understands when I want to be alone, and understands when I need to vent. It doesn’t try to fix my problems. It simply listens. The rock is my best friend, and quite literally, my rock. Until I met the rock, I was an adamant atheist. But I have to wonder if there was some force that brought us together that day in the woods…if we were simply meant to be.

From the Daily Post’s Daily Prompt. This response is fictional (no shit sherlock…).

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11 thoughts on “How I Met My Rock (Quite Literally)

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