The following is an incomplete of the most boring tasks I have ever completed in my life.
1) Stocking potatoes. That’s “stocking” not “stalking” (stalking would be marginally more fun). You can imagine the dullness of this activity. Juggling, I recently found out, is not allowed.
2) Any and all homework. Okay, not all, I have a couple of great teachers who either never assign homework or at least make it challenging. I’m talking the busy work that teachers give simply so that you have something to do for an hour each night. This is the bitchiest move a teacher can do, if you ask me.
3) Cleaning horse shit. I’m fine with cleaning my own horse’s shit (I asked for it by getting one), but when it comes to cleaning other people’s horses’ shit, it’s not an enjoyable experience. Sure, I’m grateful to have the opportunity to simply be around horses, but they don’t poop rainbows, and anyone who disagrees is kidding themselves.
4) Weeding. When I was a wee youth, my grandmother would often babysit me (may she rest in heaven, I only hope I didn’t drive her to her grave). For some absurd reason, she thought sending me into the garden to weed was a fun activity for a five year old to do. Though I have to admit, she was clever. If she put enough enthusiasm into it, I thought it was fun (I’ve heard this tactic works with sex, too). The point is, when the actual planting and decision-making is made by someone else, it takes the fun out of gardening.
5) Playing along with a metronome. This can apply to any instrument, but in my case back when I was playing classical piano. It forces you to struggle through the parts you don’t know, and reduce the speed of the parts you do know to all the excitement of a funeral march. It’s a necessary evil, though.
6) Poetry readings. The ones with old people at the library. Never go to one of these, even if your best friend convinces you that it will be fun. IT WILL NEVER BE FUN. You will hear three separate poems about the tail fluff of the same squirrel, because it turns out all the old people are neighbors and that stupid squirrel going through their yards is the most exciting thing to happen to them ALL WEEK. They will write the same dull thoughts about the circle of life, the beauty of small insects in their gardens, and the pains of aging. You will search the library for ways to kill yourself and end the suffering.
7) Subclipping. This is a thing you do when editing videos. It’s where you rewatch an interview you’ve already seen, divide it into parts, and name them. The only redeeming part is naming the clips in ways that insult the interviewee.
8) Driving with a broken radio. This is when I speed. Without something else to occupy my mind, I either start talking to myself like a crazy person, or become a menace to all other drivers on the road. The deaths of eleven birds can be blamed on my broken radio (or, you know, you can blame it on me being an irresponsible tweety-bird killer, but that’s boring).