12 Ways to Have Fun in Retail

I work the counter in a small grocery store. It’s a terribly mind numbing job. To entertain myself, I’ve had to take drastic measures.

12 Ways to Have Fun in Retail

1. Ask teenagers and young people if they qualify for the senior discount. When they laugh and say no, act embarrassed and apologetic.

2. Experiment with tone while asking customers if they want a receipt. There’s a difference between “Would you like a receipt?” and “Would you like a receipt?” Present it positively and see if more people accept.

3. Tell children that the cash register is sentient, and determines their change based on how good they’ve been.

4. When people ask where the sugar is kept, ask whether they mean the sugar or the “sugar”. Clarify that the “good stuff” is kept behind the counter.

5. Routinely ask customers buying chocolate chip cookies for identification. If they inquire, clarify that “those are very special cookies” and wink knowingly.*

6. Tell customers that they have the option of cash back in gold bars or that “paper stuff”. Recommend the gold bars.

7. If someone has a complaint, offer to “kiss it and make it better.”

8. Inform parents that they can pay with their child. Assure them their child will be put to good use, grab a fork and napkin, and lick your lips.

9. Offer to take misbehaving children into the back, where they will be frozen, and thawed out when the parent wants them back.

10. Wish customers a “happy 24 hour calendar day” on holidays.

11. Offer derogatory discounts, ie. “you’re so ugly I just can’t expect you to pay this.”

12. Organize a fashion show. Make disparaging remarks about the outfits of unwitting customers. Tell them the winner gets a free frozen tamale.

*Note: I have done this and had a gentleman whisper “Really?”, and begin pulling wads of cash out of his wallet.


4 thoughts on “12 Ways to Have Fun in Retail

  1. Jojo

    Hahahaha!!! I laughed so hard at this! Gosh, this would be so AWESOME. Like, I’d go there everyday just to watch the customers’ facial expressions xD Great post!


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